coming to the end but starting a new beginning.

Hello, hello. Bonjour, bonjour. Hola, hola. I'm back ! From where you might ask.. well, from nowhere. Lets just say I'm back to reality. Unfortunately, as my daze is finally coming to a close so is our wonderful summer vacation. In about two weeks we will all be back in our school buildings, sitting at old desks, listening to teachers rabble on about nothing wishing summer never ended. Can't say I'm excited to go back :(
We shall not dread on the negative, because as they say; dreading on negativity simply contributes to its power. If you asked me what was my favourite summer year, a couple months ago I propably would've told you Summer of 2008 - Euro trip ... hands down, no hesitation.
However, if you were to ask me now, I'd tell you Summer of 2010 - Self Discovery. I know crazy right.. who would've thought discovering a handfull of new things about yourself would outdue going to Europe.. not me but it has and I'm grateful I've gone through it. I might not of discovered everything I need about myself but I have discovered enough to make me happy and that's what counts right? As long as you are happy with yourself who really gives a damn about what everybody else thinks.
Luckily for me I did not have to go to foreign countries to learn about myself. I didn't have to indulge in amazing food in Italy, didn't have to get spiritual guidance in India nor did I have to find true love and inner balance in Bali. Surprisingly, I did it all here, at home in Toronto, Ontario Canada.. My amazing food? Well no, more like indulging in huge amounts of chocolate. Spiritual guidance? I guess you could say I got that one from music and myself.. my inner self. I've been listening more and things have been working out for me that way. True love? I already had that to begin with, thank God I never lost it; came close.. but that's when I'd hold on even tighter.
If you knew me on June 27th (Father's day) and saw me now.. you'd be surprised at what I've become... WHO I've become. I've been through my ups and downs this summer.. had to fight extremely hard and treacherous battles. Felt what seemed like every emotion possible. Went from trusting to doubtful, beautiful to ugly, happy to sad, peaceful to angry, cherished to abused..everything and anything. I remember some mornings not wanting to wake up; not wanting to see or talk to anybody. On those days there was only one person who was able to get me out of it for a few seconds and that ladies and gentlemen was my Bubbie. I don't know what it is about him but he has the power.. Even after he told me what he had done couple months ago, I couldn't bare to see his face but yet I found myself on the bus at 9am on my way to his house to spend the day. It's funny how love ones make us do things they know will better us. The day he told me what he had done was my first wake up call. I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for anything because in most eyes it isn't my fault (but if what I did was the driving force to what caused you to do what you did, then it is partially my fault and I do need to correct some things about myself) but to me, I am responsible for probably a third of it.. maybe more like a forth. It took me a while to see that I had changes to make in the way I dealt with things, my way of going about it all, but once I did realized it, I started to work on it.. If you ask Bubbie, he'd probably say it's hard to tell... I know my changes aren't necessarily being portrayed or even seen by him but they are coming along on the inside of myself and I can see them which is what matters most. An other wake up call was the incident I had with my father.. an other one (small recap.. on fathers day we made up.. two weeks later we had an other falling out and he tried breaking my arm) It all just made me see how childish my parents are and how I don't want that with Bubbie.. gave me the extra push to work things out in our relationship. And it also showed me how to be strong not only for myself but also for others, and how to speak up.. I can't and shouldn't wait until the last minute when it might be too late for a change.. though they say it's never too late, sometimes it is and you want to prevent things from getting to that point.  A bunch of little things like the few falling outs with Bubbie that almost ended our relationship, internel struggles and family drama have all helped me with my self discovery and self evolving.
However, I believe the past week has been the most monumental one yet.. last thursday (August 19th 2010) Bubbie asked me if I think we need to split up this year because he doesn't want me to be a distraction. Very hurtful I know, I shouldn't be put in the same category as his damn xbox360 (his exemple of a distraction) I told him no and that is when it all went downhill.. the entire day we had our ups and downs but after that question, things just kept going down. It was horrible. He told me it was over and I was crying my eyes out. I can't see myself without him, everybody knows it. I was hurting so much, crying and singing Adele because she truly knows how to express how I feel (second to myself :p) I wanted him to regret it.. I wanted him to feel terrible so I told him that he should treat his next girlfriend better than he treated me. And that's when he told me I had ruined every chance of getting back with him.. but to his surprise, after he sent me a sport/football metaphor type thing I sent him one right back telling him how his job is to catch me when I fall (well when i'm being passed to him). See, to him I am the football.. the most important thing in the game. His job is to catch me and protect me but that time he let me fall.. he caught me and dropped me (fumble right?) well here's  what I said.. If you trully had love for me you wouldn't of let me go. You wouldn't give up. You said I'm the football, your job is to catch me. Right now you've let me drop. I believe they call that a fumble. I've been thrown so many times, a lot of times they hurt me like hell but I always made sure to land safely in your arms but this time YOU let me go. The moment you told me that you think we should split up so that we aren't a distraction to one an other is the moment that you dropped the ball, the moment that you dropped me. After that we had a LONG talk on the phone. I know I have major self improving that still needs to happen and he sees that I'm working on it. That moment was almost like the ending of my world. Since then I've been controlling myself. I haven't been attacking him and pushing him to the point where all he wants is to get away from me which is MAJOR.
The days after that one? Well let's just say they have been amazing. I have found my motivation for Basketball once again.. starting to get back in shape. I'm going to be serious about school, my last year and I want it to go well. Things with my Bubbie couldn't be going any better (we've biked together, cooked, i peed infront of him, was in my family portrait... wonderful), I know what I want to do; what I want to study and have the driving force to excel in it. Extraordinary summer. Only thing I regret; not hanging out with my besties as much as I should've.
I'm not perfect, far from it. What I am is happy & at peace.
The end of summer is coming to a close, but the beginning of a new life is just beginning.