simple as that.

School has started..
my god, what a semi busy two weeks it has been.. and things have just begun. I'm feeling a lot of mix emotions. Here they all are:

1) Confusion. From school to personal life. I'm scared I no longer know if  I want to go into interior design.. well I do know that that is what i want to do but I fear that I wont want to do that any more come a certain time which confuses me. Personally, there is my relationship with my friends. I don't know if i want to be friends with them anymore.. should i really be questioning the friendships I have with people - two people whom i use to call my best-friends? Now that i know one of them would text people to make sure i was where i said i was because i couldn't hang out with them and the other.. well, i don't know about her. I mean i do, i just can't necessarily say. I just notice things now, how fake she is..
Funny how she has the audacity to come up to me and ask where my boyfriend is as if she thinks i'd tell her after what happened.. HA !

2) Scared. I'm actually terrified. I feel like I'm falling behind on everything. My Bubbie is so ahead, which makes me feel like I'm stuck behind. I have this idea that everything has to be done for a certain date when it actually isn't.. i think i'm giving myself more work than i really should, more than i can handle but yet i can't stop.

3) Stupid. People.. well my family and sometimes my Bubbie, imply or say that i'm not smart. Like they don't believe that i can achieve certain things. My family, well they believe the greatness in the family will be my little sister, so they cater to her needs and put mine on the back burner. Question what i do and why i do it. They baby me.. like for fuck sakes, they don't even want to let me take the ttc this year. I'm fucking 17 years old.. turning 18 in less then six months, i should be able to take the fucking ttc if i fucking want to ! and as for my bubbie.. well i can tell he doesn't think i'm going to do well in math.. he has that tone in his voice; you know, the one of uncertainty? I don't even know; with all these signs coming at me, i'm starting to believe i actually am stupid and that i won't do well in that math class.

4) Anxiety/Excitement. I'm actually really excited but yet anxious for university. Which one shall i go to? I want to go far away to tell you the truth.. not only because my parents will pay for my apartment if i do, but because i want to actually know what it is like to be 'an adult' - live with my Bubbie, in a place we can call OURS. Sure my parents may be the ones writing the rent check every month, but it'd be our home. We'd be able to walk around naked, have sex all day every day, eat, play video games, work together.. everything. Plus it's starting a new life. I don;t want to stay at home when I;m in university.. i've been here for 18 years, i need to be out on my own... i don't know. It's exciting. Every one always says how university/college helps you discover who you are and what an amazing experience it is.. i want to experience it :)

5) Secluded. For some reason i feel secluded from everyone. In math class i see how obnoxious some girls are. In the halls i see how annoying and slow the black/african people are. I am not a racist by any means.. but my God are they ever slow. Like it doesn't occur to them that there are people behind them trying to get ahead of them but they can't move their asses, no. they have to take up all the room in the damn hallway, each friend beside each other. walking as if they needed walkers. ughh. When i'm at school, i just want to be with my Bubbie, in silence working. When I'm at home, I just want to be with my Bubbie, in silence working.

That's it for now. So far I've been staying away from my two friends. I can't really stand them. One of them i really can't stand at all.. she calls herself my best-friend but really, she would've told me what had happened if she was. I should be putting everything behind me and I am doing my best to do so, but right now i just feel so much anger and disguste that it needs to come out.. somehow. Sadly, i cannot say what has happened and how i feel without saying what happened. So maybe i shall vent to my Bubbie. Who knows. All i know is that tomorrow is going to be a nice day full of retail therapy and school work.. yay, fun.
:p

buy me a rainbow

BOOYAHHH ! I was right ladies and gentlemen.. it was all a mind game.
I was right but yet the idea of it all still hurt and still got me to cry..
but it don't matter because I got my Bubbie, he still loves me, he still wants to be with me, he still wants me... and that my friends is all that matters :)

Monster - Kanye West

I actually LOVE this song, Nicki Minaj goes hard... as usual.

Monster [Feat. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, & Bon Iver] - Kanye West

broken.

I don't know, whether this is a game or not, but I'm hurting A LOT. I know, I know, I broke up with him so why am I acting as if I'm the one who got broken up with.. guess it's because I fought and fought for him back but he simply doesn't want to be with me..
I thought we still had a chance to get back together, but then last night he asked for my heart box back.. the one he told me he'd never want me to give back to him because it means something.. but now he wants it back. So now I know there is no hope for us to get back together. It's actually over.
Wow, that's hard to actually admit to myself..

unspeakable

Bubbie made me a heart for my 17th birthday. I have been filling that heart up with our memories. Bubbie told me he wanted that heart back on September 1st 2010. My world stopped. It's Over.

Heartless - Justin Nozuka

Listened to this song last night, this morning and am listening to it this very moment. It's exactly how I feel about my bubbie.  So here are the lyrics to Heartless by Justin Nozuka
& Bubbie if you read this.. I love you.

Heartless - Justin Nozuka

(Verse 1)
Promise not to leave her, Said I'd never disappear
She knows I'll come back some day
Crying in the bathroom as the mirror disappears
Holding onto faded moments

(Bridge)
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again


(Chorus)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)
Never leave You standing in the Darkness (The Darkness)
Darling, Oh I Promise (Oh I promise)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)


Never gonna leave me,
Said she'd always be right here
Even when she's farthest away
Underneath your worry, the reason's always clear
Hold onto this very moment


(Bridge)
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again

(Chorus)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)
Never leave You standing in the Darkness (The Darkness)
Darling, Oh I Promise (Oh I promise)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)


Oh You know I'll never gonna let You down (down x2)
Oh You know I'll never gonna let You down (down x2)
Ohhh (down x2)

(Chorus)
No, I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)
Never leave You standing in the Darkness (The Darkness)
(I'll never, I'll never)
Darling, Oh I Promise (Oh I promise)
(I won't ever let you down)
(Heartless, Heartless)
(You know... )
(Heartless, Heartless)
(You know, You know I'll never gonna leave you)
(A million miles away, I'll still find You x2) x3
Heartless

unthinkable

I broke up with my baby, my bubbie, my love... my everything.
Why would I do something like that if he's my everything? Well it's simple.. stupidity. Mix in some anger and you get what is the biggest mistake.. the biggest fuckup... anyone could ever do. Ughh, no one, not even him, knows how much I regret calling him to say "You want me to let you be, then fine, it's over!"
Oh God, how I wish I could just rewind life and call him to tell him I'm sorry for attacking him earlier on during the day.. We'd still be together right now, we would've gone biking yesterday, we wouldn't 'just be friends'.. Since that is impossible, I have to show him that I actually can be that girlfriend that he wants and needs. It has only been two days, but in those two days I haven't eaten, barely slept, sucks. If you asked me how I'm doing I'd tell you I'm fine.. but the marks on my legs would let you know otherwise (my bike has cut me God knows how many times and I fell down the stairs today) I've been trying to disguise how much hurt I am in... I miss him, though we talk as friends (I shall explain...) I miss the idea that he is mine, he's my bubbie and I'm his baby. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loves me, that he even loves me, miss talking about our future (we have it all planned out).. I'm fine when I don't think about the fact that we aren't together, because when we talk everything is perfect.. but when I do. oh God, get away from me. I can't stop crying (I actually think that the birth control pills that I just got on is causing the uncontrollable tears since I even cry at tv shows now:s).. I don't know why I keep crying, like I know I love him and I threw what we had away, but afterwards I went back and tried picking it all up again.. pick him back up. But he was holding on to a pole with all his strength, so why do I cry if I tried everything and simply got spat on?
How can I explain this... Alright, monday night we got into an argument. In the morning I attacked him and from there things just got worst. During the evening he told me "leave me, I dare you. Let's see if you have the balls to do it" .. then he told me to just let him be so that's when I lost my shit.. I lost my common sense and broke up with him. But it doesn't feel like I've lost him, you know what I mean? It's a feeling that is very hard to explain. I just feel like he's still mine, that we aren't over. I strongly believe his whole 'i just want to be friends' thing is his cruel way of teaching me a lesson. You know, the lesson where he shows me what it's like to lose someone whom you really love because you took them for granted type thing. I know that I have to show him what type of girlfriend I can be just by being his friend but when we talk it suddenly hits me that he isn't my boyfriend, so he says, I still believe he is... an other reason why I think this is all an evil lesson plan is because when we spoke on the phone last night he said "you're my girlfriend, I wouldn't want to make you feel bad about that" (we were talking about my stinky breath after I had my wisdom teeth pulled out) and when he called me baby, he did apologize for that, said he should of never said it but he said it because he doesn't want to send me mix messages but I know it was a slip up.. i just know it. He has done this to me before, last time he just wanted to be friends and he wanted me to get him Pizza then offered me a bite of it.. Later he tells me it was all a prank and that when he asked me that, he forgot that he was playing a prank on me:p
I know this all sounds so confusing... probably doesn't make any sense since I wrote it in this huge text... So here's a sumary of everything. I broke up with bubbie. Tried to get him to see that it was something done out of anger and didn't mean it but he doesn't believe me (so he says).. he just wants his space and just wants to be friends (so he says) and see how it goes. But I think this is all a plan he has thought up to teach me an evil and cruel lesson. However, even though I have come to this conclusion at night, my body acts stressed out which I don't understand.. He's sending me theses sublinimal messages that he still wants to be with me, but i don't know.. the more this caries out, the more I lose hope that we will get back together.