Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Transgender. Straight.
Does it all really matter? Should other people really care about who you love? Why do they feel the need to say it's 'wrong' for people of the same sexe to love each other, intimately and emotionaly? Personally, i don't get what their problem is. If you love someone, if that person makes you exceptionally happy, if they make you feel loved, at peace, make the best of you shine.. does it really matter if they are the same sexe as you or not? According to A LOT of people out there, it does. And every time someone tells me that it's wrong; that it's like trying to plug two plugs together, all i can do is just shake my head in dissagreement. It's not like i can really say "you don't know what it's like for us" because can i really consider myself one of 'them'? Sure i have had a thing for women.. a really big thing, but i don't anymore.. so what is that considered, a phase? Someone told me (well it was my boyfriend) that they don't believe that i was a true 'lesbian' because sure i might of liked the idea of being with a women, but i didn't necessarily like the women. Get it? I'm sure every girl has a 'girl crush' and maybe i had a few.. and i also had the mentality that i wanted to be with those girls. Like i could see myself with them, buying them gifts, taking them out, kissing them, holding them.. but it never went further than that, nothing truly sexual. Which now has me thinking, was i simply lonely and wanted someone to treat me the way i wanted to treat those women (one in particular Alex Thomopoulos). I wanted to feel loved, and wanted someone to do all those special things for me so i would picture myself with a women so i could fulfill that need of feeling special by treating a woman special.. does that make ANY sense? I wanted to play the role of the alpha-male in the relationship so i could show how it's done, how to really be there for a women. But now, now that i have a man in my life.. a man that makes me feel loved, wanted, special, safe, 'golden' i no longer have that desire for women.. i no longer have those thoughts, nor feelings for them.. so i guess you can say it was a phase. One that i had mistook for bisexuality. Don't get me wrong, i still have those moments where i can't help but look at a woman and smile on the inside, women are beautiful.. but my man is gorgeous. & no one can take him away from me.
I could never tell him, which is why i am telling you guys.. my boyfriend was right (i think it's time i give him a nickname since i mention him so much in this blog).. i knew from the first time he told me that he thought what i was going through was a simple phase, i just never admitted it to him because well knowing him he'd never let me hear the end of it.. but that doesn't mean that his comments on how wrong it is should be taken lightly.. but then again, it's his opnion, and in the words of T.I. "Opinions are like escalades, everybody got one"
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
btw..
oh yeah, my boyfriend did NOT break up with me.. well he did but came back to his senses like five minutes after, i shall explain later... possibly.
Good night !
Good night !
life altering
Getting pregnant at the age of seventeen is completely life altering. Having to; one, constantly wonder if you are or aren't pregnant. What if you don't have the money to pay for tests? What if you don't have the money and can't turn to your parents nor your significant other because one will kick you out of the house and you fear that the other will leave you. Two, you find out your pregnant, now what; adoption, abortion or keep it? Many different things to choose from. Some frown upon abortion but really it's your decision.. it's not like it's an actual humain being just yet.. no it's a fetus, it can't feel, can't hear, can't necessarily move, can't really do anything. If you feel as though you aren't mentally and physically able to handle carry a baby in your stomach for 41 weeks, then maybe you should get an abortion. Sure people may judge you or something but who .. pardon my french.. gives a fuck. It's your life, not theirs. Now for adoption, great thing don't get me wrong. If i couldn't have children or later in life didn't want children i would most definitely adopt. But at the age of seventeen, do you really want to go through the pain and heartache of caring a humain being inside of you for 41 weeks, giving birth to it and then having to give it away. It may sound easy but I've heard it is the hardest thing to do; during those 41 weeks a bond is greated between mother and child, a bond that can never be replaced. And in that moment where after you push the child out of you, after you want it to be over with, after all the nasty vagina gunk has been removed from the infant, and is handed to you; you most likely never want to let go. Even if you are the biggest bitch out there, i am one hundred precent sure that no mother could hold their new baby born without feeling an eternel love. And that eternal love is what pushes you to give the baby for adoption. It may take time, i guess that's why they give you 36 hours (i believe) before making your final decision. Making sure your new born has the best life they could possibly ask for is what pushes you to give him up to a family you KNOW can make all his dreams come true and who can take better care of them more than you could ever do. And for keeping it.. well, if you're up to keeping it and know it's what's right then go for it. It's just sometimes people have children for the wrong reasons and end up keeping them as a mier accessory (or dump the burden of having a new born onto their mother when they go out and have the time of their life). but if you keep a baby, can you still continue with your education. Or do you think you'd have to put that on hold for a while..? Not saying it's a bad thing to stop and go back, but having a baby at such a young ages not only takes away many opportunity and closes doors but it can also send you spinning down-wards...
So why all this baby talk you wonder? Well for the longest time i thought that i could be pregnant. My boyfriend and i once had unpretected sex. Not the smartest idea because well now, i wonder if i'm pregnant and i have to reassure him that i am not. At first i didn't think i was, but then i kind of felt my body changing. I gained more weight, my fingers got bigger (heard that could happen on 'Friends'), my boyfriend says my butt has gotten bigger, my boobs are bigger, i'm constantly peeing, always hungry. But then i got to thinking.. my fingers actually aren't that big, i'm only seventeen so of course my body is still going through some changes; boobs and ass grow (good thing..) .. but then there was that thought of histarical pregnancy (yes, i learnt that from Glee) i think about something so much and all the body changes that they actually come true. One day, I thought to myself what if i am pregnant. what would i do? And i came up with this conclusion; i'd tell my boyfriend (obviously) and then tell him i'm getting an abortion. I know, it's risking a lot.. especially with my condition, what if this is the only time i can get pregnant.. i thought of that; we will find an other way of having children. We are sixteen and seventeen.. we aren't ready to have a child nor would we be strong enough to give it up for adoption (knowing him, he'd be the softest one out of both of us :p). I know this is selfish, but i'm not ready to throw my life away at the age of seventeen, nor do i want my boyfriend to think he HAS to do things now because he's my baby daddy which well.. is similar to throwing ones life away. I know having a child is like throwing your life away, but it gives you an entirely new one.. which is magnificant.. but i'm not ready for that. Which is why i'd get an abortion IF i was pregnant and i was this young... not economically stable, not knowing where i'm going in life and just not ready.
good thing is.. I'm not pregnant, I got my period today :) thing is.. i think my mom may think i am since i'm constantly peeing, but i think that's due to some kind of bladder infection.
So why all this baby talk you wonder? Well for the longest time i thought that i could be pregnant. My boyfriend and i once had unpretected sex. Not the smartest idea because well now, i wonder if i'm pregnant and i have to reassure him that i am not. At first i didn't think i was, but then i kind of felt my body changing. I gained more weight, my fingers got bigger (heard that could happen on 'Friends'), my boyfriend says my butt has gotten bigger, my boobs are bigger, i'm constantly peeing, always hungry. But then i got to thinking.. my fingers actually aren't that big, i'm only seventeen so of course my body is still going through some changes; boobs and ass grow (good thing..) .. but then there was that thought of histarical pregnancy (yes, i learnt that from Glee) i think about something so much and all the body changes that they actually come true. One day, I thought to myself what if i am pregnant. what would i do? And i came up with this conclusion; i'd tell my boyfriend (obviously) and then tell him i'm getting an abortion. I know, it's risking a lot.. especially with my condition, what if this is the only time i can get pregnant.. i thought of that; we will find an other way of having children. We are sixteen and seventeen.. we aren't ready to have a child nor would we be strong enough to give it up for adoption (knowing him, he'd be the softest one out of both of us :p). I know this is selfish, but i'm not ready to throw my life away at the age of seventeen, nor do i want my boyfriend to think he HAS to do things now because he's my baby daddy which well.. is similar to throwing ones life away. I know having a child is like throwing your life away, but it gives you an entirely new one.. which is magnificant.. but i'm not ready for that. Which is why i'd get an abortion IF i was pregnant and i was this young... not economically stable, not knowing where i'm going in life and just not ready.
good thing is.. I'm not pregnant, I got my period today :) thing is.. i think my mom may think i am since i'm constantly peeing, but i think that's due to some kind of bladder infection.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
love = war
Good day to you all.
I should really be doing some art work right now but lets put that on hold for a while. I feel like I should in light you all on what happened on my six month anniversary and today's events.
So i attended my best-friend's prom on my boyfriend and me' six month anniversary. This isn't like the fourth month or something, it's half a year. Which is pretty big, so obviously he was upset. Which is totally understandable. When he dropped me off i really REALLY didn't want to leave. If i could i would've spent the entire day with him, i would've came up with some lie so i didn't have to attend the prom.. But i couldn't. And today, he's upset. Think it started because i didn't text him today.. well i fell asleep for more than three hours. However, when i did start texting him i was told to stop or else he would put his phone on airplane mode. He would avoid my questions, tell me to stop texting him and now 'threatens' me that he will put his phone on airplane mode.. seriously? Running away from ones problems doesn't make them go away. Well in his case, avoiding them.. avoiding my questions will not make them go away, nor will it solve his problems.. if anything they'll simply come back again (like next week :s) and something even worse than before will occur.. But seriously, if he is doubting whether or not he should be with me i have the right to know right? Well he doesn't think so. I know when some thing is wrong with him i need to leave him alone. He will think about it for a while then it'll all blow over but I'm tired of this coming in question... He just tweeted this "I'm just not that important to her" really? If that is the case then why would i be with him? Why would i make him tea every morning when he is sick? Why would i wished i was with him the entire night instead of in a room filled with people i don't even know. If that's the case.. i don't see why he doesn't just leave me. He seems to be doubting our relationship so much right now. it kind of seems like he finds/creates the smallest things, make them into a big deal and in the end loses interest. Thing is, me always having to fight, always having to deal with him losing interest or wondering whether or not to break up with me, is making me tired. Just makes me feel like not fighting anymore. How many times do i have to go through the same thing for him to finally stop going back and forth. Can't his questioning stay in place but have our relationship move forward? Just seems like every week is a stronger battle to fight and i'm not sure how much longer i can keep going..
Wait, what am i saying? I love him, with every bone in my body. Even when he's mad at me, i find myself telling him "i love you" sure he might not say it back because he's upset but i feel like whenever i tell him it makes him feel somewhat better. Maybe it doesn't but if that's the case then i rather not know because i like the idea that it does. Sure things are hard.. but what was i suppose to expect. It's the day following the SF prom. My parents let me spend the night with my best-friend.. but when it comes to him they give me a curfew of 8 o'clock. Or even worse.. don't want me seeing him at all. And do i fight back; no. I know i should.. I really do because now look; it's costing me my relationship. The best thing that's ever happened to me. See, it always occurs to me how lovely he looks everyday.. sure he may be wearing the same thing every other guy is in our school but when you look at him and see him wearing it, it's like he's wearing something completely different; something that has been made specifically for him.. something that makes him look well, lovely. And the way he smiles.. simply makes my heart melt. It's been six months, a day and forty five minutes since he stole my breath away; but it seems as though it was yesterday. And as he was walking on the path of life, he took a left turn and came onto mine.. he walked into my life and completed my soul. To some he may seem crazy, gay, horny or retarded. But if you really got to know him, you'd see exactly what i do. His soul; it's as if he traveled through heaven and searched through the garden of love. He is the most loving person i know. See when it all comes back around, i still can't figure out how she ever let him get away. He's simply amazing, he just kept his head up high and i won't lie.. i'm happy she let him get away because now i'm the one blessed with his love. I can't feel without his touch. I can't dream without his smile. I can't live without his love. I cannot fall without his hand. I can't cry without his arms. His whispering is uplifting. And when he sings.. whether it be Justin Bieber's 'Baby' or Bob Marley's 'One Love' i want him to keep on singing (though i can't stand JB) and hold me closer than he's ever did before.
Truth is that things are hard right now. But i'm not going to give up. No matter how tired i get from his constant questioning, I don't want to lose something as amazing as him. So i'm willing to fight for as long as i possibly can.. Even if i'm standing on the front line, defending our love on my own. I'm going to give my all. Even if tension rises; there is no giving up. There is conflict.. there is struggle but it doesn't matter because i know we're tough enough that we can over come whatever comes our way. And after the smokes disappears, you can find us still standing.
When he kisses me.. really truly kisses me, we are connected by our hearts.. we are one. Why would i want to lose that? I'm willing to turn on my parents to keep him in my life. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost.. i will gladly pay. When I've given all i can give, i will give him more. Our love will keep growing, even if there's a storm. We can take that storm and turn it all around and then the sun shall shine through. We're going to have some causalities but i'll make sure we never surrender. I never want to hear him say that he's done. So even when it hurts; i'll keep marching on.
Love is a war filled with many battles. You lose some, and you win some. It's up to you if you want to keep fighting 'til the end. We too have our battles, but we've come out stronger than ever. THAT's the story of our relationship. We have all been designed but he is as real on the outside.
I should really be doing some art work right now but lets put that on hold for a while. I feel like I should in light you all on what happened on my six month anniversary and today's events.
So i attended my best-friend's prom on my boyfriend and me' six month anniversary. This isn't like the fourth month or something, it's half a year. Which is pretty big, so obviously he was upset. Which is totally understandable. When he dropped me off i really REALLY didn't want to leave. If i could i would've spent the entire day with him, i would've came up with some lie so i didn't have to attend the prom.. But i couldn't. And today, he's upset. Think it started because i didn't text him today.. well i fell asleep for more than three hours. However, when i did start texting him i was told to stop or else he would put his phone on airplane mode. He would avoid my questions, tell me to stop texting him and now 'threatens' me that he will put his phone on airplane mode.. seriously? Running away from ones problems doesn't make them go away. Well in his case, avoiding them.. avoiding my questions will not make them go away, nor will it solve his problems.. if anything they'll simply come back again (like next week :s) and something even worse than before will occur.. But seriously, if he is doubting whether or not he should be with me i have the right to know right? Well he doesn't think so. I know when some thing is wrong with him i need to leave him alone. He will think about it for a while then it'll all blow over but I'm tired of this coming in question... He just tweeted this "I'm just not that important to her" really? If that is the case then why would i be with him? Why would i make him tea every morning when he is sick? Why would i wished i was with him the entire night instead of in a room filled with people i don't even know. If that's the case.. i don't see why he doesn't just leave me. He seems to be doubting our relationship so much right now. it kind of seems like he finds/creates the smallest things, make them into a big deal and in the end loses interest. Thing is, me always having to fight, always having to deal with him losing interest or wondering whether or not to break up with me, is making me tired. Just makes me feel like not fighting anymore. How many times do i have to go through the same thing for him to finally stop going back and forth. Can't his questioning stay in place but have our relationship move forward? Just seems like every week is a stronger battle to fight and i'm not sure how much longer i can keep going..
Wait, what am i saying? I love him, with every bone in my body. Even when he's mad at me, i find myself telling him "i love you" sure he might not say it back because he's upset but i feel like whenever i tell him it makes him feel somewhat better. Maybe it doesn't but if that's the case then i rather not know because i like the idea that it does. Sure things are hard.. but what was i suppose to expect. It's the day following the SF prom. My parents let me spend the night with my best-friend.. but when it comes to him they give me a curfew of 8 o'clock. Or even worse.. don't want me seeing him at all. And do i fight back; no. I know i should.. I really do because now look; it's costing me my relationship. The best thing that's ever happened to me. See, it always occurs to me how lovely he looks everyday.. sure he may be wearing the same thing every other guy is in our school but when you look at him and see him wearing it, it's like he's wearing something completely different; something that has been made specifically for him.. something that makes him look well, lovely. And the way he smiles.. simply makes my heart melt. It's been six months, a day and forty five minutes since he stole my breath away; but it seems as though it was yesterday. And as he was walking on the path of life, he took a left turn and came onto mine.. he walked into my life and completed my soul. To some he may seem crazy, gay, horny or retarded. But if you really got to know him, you'd see exactly what i do. His soul; it's as if he traveled through heaven and searched through the garden of love. He is the most loving person i know. See when it all comes back around, i still can't figure out how she ever let him get away. He's simply amazing, he just kept his head up high and i won't lie.. i'm happy she let him get away because now i'm the one blessed with his love. I can't feel without his touch. I can't dream without his smile. I can't live without his love. I cannot fall without his hand. I can't cry without his arms. His whispering is uplifting. And when he sings.. whether it be Justin Bieber's 'Baby' or Bob Marley's 'One Love' i want him to keep on singing (though i can't stand JB) and hold me closer than he's ever did before.
Truth is that things are hard right now. But i'm not going to give up. No matter how tired i get from his constant questioning, I don't want to lose something as amazing as him. So i'm willing to fight for as long as i possibly can.. Even if i'm standing on the front line, defending our love on my own. I'm going to give my all. Even if tension rises; there is no giving up. There is conflict.. there is struggle but it doesn't matter because i know we're tough enough that we can over come whatever comes our way. And after the smokes disappears, you can find us still standing.
When he kisses me.. really truly kisses me, we are connected by our hearts.. we are one. Why would i want to lose that? I'm willing to turn on my parents to keep him in my life. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost.. i will gladly pay. When I've given all i can give, i will give him more. Our love will keep growing, even if there's a storm. We can take that storm and turn it all around and then the sun shall shine through. We're going to have some causalities but i'll make sure we never surrender. I never want to hear him say that he's done. So even when it hurts; i'll keep marching on.
Love is a war filled with many battles. You lose some, and you win some. It's up to you if you want to keep fighting 'til the end. We too have our battles, but we've come out stronger than ever. THAT's the story of our relationship. We have all been designed but he is as real on the outside.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
ohhhh yeahhh, that's right.
Speaking of my boyfriend, it's our 6 month anniversary tomorrow. He's running for a spot in our student body council and well; he's very nervous. How do i know? Well he's treating me like shit. Thing is; i don't blame him. I'm going to my best-friend's prom.. a guy whom my boyfriend isn't to fond of. So he's going off telling me a bunch of shit, really making me want to cry but eh, what can i do besides tell him to stop and just take it like a man really? It's nothing new, i'm his pushing bag just like i'm everybody elses.. but his punches hurt the most.
The one that hurt the most; when he told me he doesn't fully trust me. He actually thinks i'm going to go and whore it up at the prom.. um, news flash. I'm loyal. I love him to death and would never ever hurt him.. sadly it seems like it's the other way around for him. I always find myself on the other side of his fuse..
it gets hard.. real real hard. I remember one day, i fought, i fought extremely hard not to pick up that pin.. and i lost that fight and am now stuck with yet an other scarr. If only it was the lightning bolt on my forehead and not a one somewhere else. Whatever; you live and you learn right? I shouldnt even be exposing this type of stuff because i know he's reading this. I posted it on my twitter (probably mistake on my part)..
Whatever, i love my baby. He's meant for me and i'm meant for him. I hope that nothing and no one can nor will come in between us because i can honestly say i can't see myself with anybody else. Nor do i want to be with anyone else. Few months into seeing each other and i already know he's the one.. he's my everything. And i don't want to lose him. So i gotta toughen it out, i must remember that when he spazzes at me like this, it's because he's stressed or nervous.. doesn't mean it's right but whatever it takes for me to be with my baby, best believe i'ma do it.
The one that hurt the most; when he told me he doesn't fully trust me. He actually thinks i'm going to go and whore it up at the prom.. um, news flash. I'm loyal. I love him to death and would never ever hurt him.. sadly it seems like it's the other way around for him. I always find myself on the other side of his fuse..
it gets hard.. real real hard. I remember one day, i fought, i fought extremely hard not to pick up that pin.. and i lost that fight and am now stuck with yet an other scarr. If only it was the lightning bolt on my forehead and not a one somewhere else. Whatever; you live and you learn right? I shouldnt even be exposing this type of stuff because i know he's reading this. I posted it on my twitter (probably mistake on my part)..
Whatever, i love my baby. He's meant for me and i'm meant for him. I hope that nothing and no one can nor will come in between us because i can honestly say i can't see myself with anybody else. Nor do i want to be with anyone else. Few months into seeing each other and i already know he's the one.. he's my everything. And i don't want to lose him. So i gotta toughen it out, i must remember that when he spazzes at me like this, it's because he's stressed or nervous.. doesn't mean it's right but whatever it takes for me to be with my baby, best believe i'ma do it.
Oh Mother...
hm.. how to describe my life in these past few days.. weird. Yuup, i think that's the perfect word for it.. these past i guess you could say two days, have been weird. Let me explain why.
Well to begin with, my school is hosting their annual Athletes Banquet, which takes place on a boat and is for the high school kids. This fine evening comes at a price (obviously), a price of 45$. For some that may not be expensive but for others it is considerably pricey. Past two years, it hasn't even been seen as pricey for me. When i'd ask my mother she'd simply say yes, hand me the money, and on to the next one. But this year, now that i have a boyfriend and she knows he's attending.. it's all "we're tight on money" but yet she goes and spends 30$+ on some fast food, and my father buys himself three t-shirts for 90$ (without tax). Don't get me wrong, they are nice t-shirts but c'mon. Am i being selfish or do you see where i'm coming from? Anyways, i am very wanted at this banquet; not only by my boyfriend but also by my best friends. My boyfriend being the amazing guy that he is; offered to pay for me. I know, amazing.. aren't i the luckiest girl in the world? So that night i told my mother the plan; he'd pay for me and i'd pay him back. For some odd reason she said she had to think it over.. why? Probably because she thinks i'm going to have sex on the boat or something.. which is completely foolish. One, i have manners. Two, where are you suppose to have sex on a boat like that one.. there is no place for that. And three, ew; why would i want to have sex on THAT boat, a sail boat maybe but not THAT boat. Anyways, so the following day my ticket had been payed for. I told my mother and she got upset. She also asked me if i had apologized to my father yet.. ugh, are you kidding me right now? Like how many times do i have to tell you that i'm not giving an apology i dont actually mean. So as i was saying, she was getting mad at me that it all had been planned out and paid for without her giving me the green light. I got upset at this point because well, i'm 17 i should be able to do what i set out to do. Like she already tells me to get off the phone at a certain time i do. She says i can't hang out with my boyfriend two weekends in a row (stupidest thing i've ever heard) so i don't. I clean, i mow the lawn, i take care of our pets and whatever else it may be she ask of me. So what's the problem of me having my own life? I don't know, so i told her. I told her that i'm 17 and i don't see why she's treating me like she is when i do most around the house. and then she kicked me out of her room. Do i regret leaving.. yes. I feel like i should've stayed in there and said everything that was on my mind, even if she got angry at me. Who cares right. I no longer have much to lose since she's already trying to minimize the amount of time i spend with my boyfriend. As if she's ever met him.. No. She has only heard immensily insane and untrue stories a friend's parent passed on to her. Stories that are.. pardon my french.. total bullshit. She's basing her opinion of him, on that nonsense. She doesn't know him.. if she did, she would let me stay with him as long as i want. She'd see what i see in him. How wonderful he is. How happy he makes me feel. But she's blinded by false stories. And i don't know how i'm going to get her to change her views.. If i don't, i know it'll drive my boyfriend away; so i must think of something. Think of something quick.
Well to begin with, my school is hosting their annual Athletes Banquet, which takes place on a boat and is for the high school kids. This fine evening comes at a price (obviously), a price of 45$. For some that may not be expensive but for others it is considerably pricey. Past two years, it hasn't even been seen as pricey for me. When i'd ask my mother she'd simply say yes, hand me the money, and on to the next one. But this year, now that i have a boyfriend and she knows he's attending.. it's all "we're tight on money" but yet she goes and spends 30$+ on some fast food, and my father buys himself three t-shirts for 90$ (without tax). Don't get me wrong, they are nice t-shirts but c'mon. Am i being selfish or do you see where i'm coming from? Anyways, i am very wanted at this banquet; not only by my boyfriend but also by my best friends. My boyfriend being the amazing guy that he is; offered to pay for me. I know, amazing.. aren't i the luckiest girl in the world? So that night i told my mother the plan; he'd pay for me and i'd pay him back. For some odd reason she said she had to think it over.. why? Probably because she thinks i'm going to have sex on the boat or something.. which is completely foolish. One, i have manners. Two, where are you suppose to have sex on a boat like that one.. there is no place for that. And three, ew; why would i want to have sex on THAT boat, a sail boat maybe but not THAT boat. Anyways, so the following day my ticket had been payed for. I told my mother and she got upset. She also asked me if i had apologized to my father yet.. ugh, are you kidding me right now? Like how many times do i have to tell you that i'm not giving an apology i dont actually mean. So as i was saying, she was getting mad at me that it all had been planned out and paid for without her giving me the green light. I got upset at this point because well, i'm 17 i should be able to do what i set out to do. Like she already tells me to get off the phone at a certain time i do. She says i can't hang out with my boyfriend two weekends in a row (stupidest thing i've ever heard) so i don't. I clean, i mow the lawn, i take care of our pets and whatever else it may be she ask of me. So what's the problem of me having my own life? I don't know, so i told her. I told her that i'm 17 and i don't see why she's treating me like she is when i do most around the house. and then she kicked me out of her room. Do i regret leaving.. yes. I feel like i should've stayed in there and said everything that was on my mind, even if she got angry at me. Who cares right. I no longer have much to lose since she's already trying to minimize the amount of time i spend with my boyfriend. As if she's ever met him.. No. She has only heard immensily insane and untrue stories a friend's parent passed on to her. Stories that are.. pardon my french.. total bullshit. She's basing her opinion of him, on that nonsense. She doesn't know him.. if she did, she would let me stay with him as long as i want. She'd see what i see in him. How wonderful he is. How happy he makes me feel. But she's blinded by false stories. And i don't know how i'm going to get her to change her views.. If i don't, i know it'll drive my boyfriend away; so i must think of something. Think of something quick.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Kid Cudi - All Talk (Feat. Chip Tha Ripper & Christian Bale)
-Download-
...too sick, don't sleep on this one...
Eminem - Won't Back Down (Feat. P!nk)
-Download-
...EXTREMELY sick. It got a few bad reviews on a certain site.. some people don't like the 'rock' beat but let's be real; hip-hop infused with rock is back right now.. just trust me, you don't want to sleep on this one.
Boy, what a day.
It's funny; this post was suppose to be about how awful my day was but it actually turned out to be funny.
So, today.. my boyfriend broke up with me. How is that funny? Well it was a prank.. it all started in psychology class. He was talking about some hot girl that he would 'bang' and how lucky our friend is to be with 'dealing' with her. I got annoyed, what girl wouldn't. He was showing pictures of her and things.. like do you think i seriously want to see pictures of a girl you want to sleep with? no not really... Anyways, i said things about the other girls he was attracted to and he went off about if i can't take it then we should go on a break so i can work my shit out.. half a day this lasted. It was suppose to be longer. Thank God it wasn't...
Initially i was going to post something about how i don't deserve him. I wasn't going to write something like "My baby up and left me alone. How could he do it.. go break my heart when he used to be the one crying for me not to leave. Gave him all of me, gave him my soul and that was exactly what he stole from me.." I was actually going to write how i deserved to be left. I've got a lot of issues man. I think i've always known but him 'breaking up' with me opened my eyes. It's almost as if i don't want him having a life, like i don't want him to be him. I have an idea of the perfect man (don't we all?) and sometimes i feel as though he doesn't fit that criteria. No women likes it when the love of their life looks at other women and talk about how hot they think she is. BUT then i realize how wonderful he is. HE IS the perfect man so fuck my idea of what i think it is.. why strive for an idea when you already have the actual thing.
So yeah.. he broke up with me over text as a joke, i pretended to be pregnant, he TRIED to 'play-cheat' on me but FAILED, broke up with.. now it's my turn.. should i actually play or just forfeit?
So, today.. my boyfriend broke up with me. How is that funny? Well it was a prank.. it all started in psychology class. He was talking about some hot girl that he would 'bang' and how lucky our friend is to be with 'dealing' with her. I got annoyed, what girl wouldn't. He was showing pictures of her and things.. like do you think i seriously want to see pictures of a girl you want to sleep with? no not really... Anyways, i said things about the other girls he was attracted to and he went off about if i can't take it then we should go on a break so i can work my shit out.. half a day this lasted. It was suppose to be longer. Thank God it wasn't...
Initially i was going to post something about how i don't deserve him. I wasn't going to write something like "My baby up and left me alone. How could he do it.. go break my heart when he used to be the one crying for me not to leave. Gave him all of me, gave him my soul and that was exactly what he stole from me.." I was actually going to write how i deserved to be left. I've got a lot of issues man. I think i've always known but him 'breaking up' with me opened my eyes. It's almost as if i don't want him having a life, like i don't want him to be him. I have an idea of the perfect man (don't we all?) and sometimes i feel as though he doesn't fit that criteria. No women likes it when the love of their life looks at other women and talk about how hot they think she is. BUT then i realize how wonderful he is. HE IS the perfect man so fuck my idea of what i think it is.. why strive for an idea when you already have the actual thing.
So yeah.. he broke up with me over text as a joke, i pretended to be pregnant, he TRIED to 'play-cheat' on me but FAILED, broke up with.. now it's my turn.. should i actually play or just forfeit?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Correction
Alright, i take back what i said about my boyfriend. Well i don't take it back, i've just relaxed so am now able to fully explain myself (i should really be studying right now.. haha)
First off; he checks girls out and flirts with them right infront of me. Sure it makes me feel like he's searching for something i don't have and that he craves in a women but should i really feel bad about him doing that? It is insulting when he flirts with girls right there in my face but it's him right.. i know he won't actually do anything. I'm the one he wants, i'm the one he goes to afterwards and kisses. It's a simple game of fun.. but then why can't i find myself doing the same thing? I don't dare check another man out nor flirt. Maybe we're just two different people and commitment is something different to each of us... who knows. Plus he's a guy.. that's what they do right?
Secondly; his ex. you knew this one was coming up.. nothing i can really do or say. He's going to talk to her no matter what. Not like i'd tell him to stop anyways.. it's just weird. especially (like i said before..) since they started talking once he lost attraction to me. Kind of like i pushed him back into her arms type thing. All i can do is suck it up, and look the other way whenever i see her name pop up on his iPhone...
Thirdly (is that a word?); he's amazing. I know i say (or will say) things that make him seem like a bad boyfriend who is a pig but no. He does the sweetest things for me like take me all the way home whenever we go out together (may not seem like much but when you live 40 minutes away from eachother it is.. ) He buys me muffins in the morning (today was the first time actually :p), kisses me just for the sake of it, squeezes me real tight; kind of like he never wants to let me go. Tell me he loves me more than i can count on a daily basis. He's simply amazing and i love him with all my heart..
it's just right now, right right now.. my head isn't straight and i just wish i could leave this earth for a little bit. Get away from it all, but sadly the only way that is possible is through my dreams..
First off; he checks girls out and flirts with them right infront of me. Sure it makes me feel like he's searching for something i don't have and that he craves in a women but should i really feel bad about him doing that? It is insulting when he flirts with girls right there in my face but it's him right.. i know he won't actually do anything. I'm the one he wants, i'm the one he goes to afterwards and kisses. It's a simple game of fun.. but then why can't i find myself doing the same thing? I don't dare check another man out nor flirt. Maybe we're just two different people and commitment is something different to each of us... who knows. Plus he's a guy.. that's what they do right?
Secondly; his ex. you knew this one was coming up.. nothing i can really do or say. He's going to talk to her no matter what. Not like i'd tell him to stop anyways.. it's just weird. especially (like i said before..) since they started talking once he lost attraction to me. Kind of like i pushed him back into her arms type thing. All i can do is suck it up, and look the other way whenever i see her name pop up on his iPhone...
Thirdly (is that a word?); he's amazing. I know i say (or will say) things that make him seem like a bad boyfriend who is a pig but no. He does the sweetest things for me like take me all the way home whenever we go out together (may not seem like much but when you live 40 minutes away from eachother it is.. ) He buys me muffins in the morning (today was the first time actually :p), kisses me just for the sake of it, squeezes me real tight; kind of like he never wants to let me go. Tell me he loves me more than i can count on a daily basis. He's simply amazing and i love him with all my heart..
it's just right now, right right now.. my head isn't straight and i just wish i could leave this earth for a little bit. Get away from it all, but sadly the only way that is possible is through my dreams..
update
two minutes into studying solo dolo and i'm in tears because im so frustrated with my damn life and now have to stress out about this fucking test.. which im going to fail which will lead my parents taking stuff away from me like the little bit of freedom i have..
life's good...
life's good...
Aftermath..
Aftermath about what? Well everything.. from love life to home life.
Hm.. where to start? I guess i can give you guys a follow up on last night's events. Well now my father is all moody and quiet. Last time he acted like this he called me different names, and told my mom that he sees no future for them. Ugh, wow. So yeah, if that happens again over stupid shit like this then um.. soft much? I don't know. I really don't get what my parents want from me? Apologize for something that i believe is total bullshit.. Not even "Bullshit is for the birds. You ain't nothing but a vulture" how much i wish i could tell him that.. well that or "fuck up." ha ! I guess i should've seen this coming. He was the same way with my elder sister and now it's me. Why.. i guess because we're getting older and we realize that he's full of well.. you can fill in that blank. Is it normal to dread coming home every night because you hate the negative atmosphere.. omfg ! today i found a white hair (well it was actually silver grey which must mean my hair is healthy :p) but damn, i flipped out. I'm 17.. i shouldn't be finding white/silver hairs. Not yet at least.. i'm still young. Clearly the stress from my home is taking a tole on my body; i haven't found myself to be so hungry, i don't sleep well here.. my new bed = the school bus seat. Great way to be leaving isn't it?
Maybe i'm being a drama queen.. maybe since i've known better than this, it seems to be a lot for me. But compared to someone who has seen worse than i have is probably thinking "soft tinnggss".. Probably, but even my baby thought i was boosting about my home life. However when he was on the line yesterday, he realized that i wasn't boosting at all...
Speaking of my baby, i know he'll be reading this. But i won't filter anything.. especially what i'm about to say. Let's see; how can i say this without really saying much?
...
alright well a couple weeks ago.. i believe two, my boyfriend lost complete attraction to me.. And five (i think) girls attracted him so much he flirted with them in front of me.. correction, flirts with them in front of me. One of the girls he got attracted to is his ex... hm. First he tells me that it was just a phase. Which i believe, don't get me wrong. But that day, i feel like he did things to me not just to make me happy but also to make himself believe that it was just a phase.. because let's be honest; that day i looked like the biggest ragamuffin out there. Board shorts, flat ass, white v-neck tee, converse and puffy hair (thanks humidity). So obviously i didn't fully believe it. Do i still do? um, i do believe him.. but i also believe that he's still attracted to all those other girls.. one to be more specific. Then he tells me that he's been talking a lot to his ex. Alright, well they had a relationship for three years so it's understandable. Only thing is.. the reason why they started talking frequently again.. (his lost of attraction to me.. which lead him straight to her) Like now i constantly see her name pop up on his damn iPhone. He thinks i'm being a drama queen.. i probably am but still. At times i get no answer to texts i send him. He just reads them and closes his phone (maybe he does answer and i jsut don't get it.. i doubt it though). But when she sends him one.. he opens it right away and responds as quickly as possible. I know i'm probably thinking way to much into this, or may seem as though i don't trust him which is not the case. I do, it just makes me extremely uncomfortable. He cares for her. He loves her. He'll always be there for her.. whatever. no matter how i feel about it, they'll still talk if not less than more. He'll probably lose his attraction to me once again and this time have her by his side..
i just don't care anymore. Not about my home life nor really about my boyfriend talking to his ex and flirting with other girls right infront of me (kind of disrespectful dont you think?).. i have to prepare to fail a math test.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tonight's events..
Alright, so today i got home at around 6:15pm. After a long day of school, i thought i'd be able to relax at home.. boy did i think wrong. I get in the house, take my torn up Converse shoes off, pet my dog Zoe and get attitude from my sister. Why you ask, I have no idea. I thought she said my name so when i asked her what was it she wanted she simply looked at me, gave me a look of disgust and said "I'm not talking to you" .. um, hello to you too? Then she continues on saying that my mom is "very mad at you [...] well she told me that she is very mad." ugh; no. That may seem like nothing, but there's more. I go down to my room to put my bag away and i get blamed for losing a remote i haven't touched nor seen in the past what.. like two weeks? So i told my dad that I havent seen it, he's the one who sleep on that couch, probably sleeping ON the remotes at time thus making them dissapear in the couch.. clearly how can that be my fault?
Anyways, negative energy.. makes me feel very uncomfortable. Thank God i had my baby on the line. After watching some tv, i had to eat right. My mom cooks us a wonderful diner (consisted of corn on a cob, souvlaki, and ceasure salade.. yum) no one is at the table besides my little sister who just finished serving herself some salade and myself. I go on to serve myself some salade when my dad comes to the table and tells me "you shouldn't serve yourself while standing up. It's bad manners." to which i told him "alright" .. few second later he said "am i talking to wind or something?" to which i stayed quiet. That is when he got really upset and grumpy. He barely ate, he stayed quiet and excused himself after five minutes at the table. After everything was cleaned up and i went to get the laptop (to start this blog :p ), my mom stops me to tell me that she wants me to apologize to my dad.. ugh, why? Because he's really upset and it's seen as though i was 'defying him' when i didn't sit down to serve myself salade.. are you serious right now? I told her that he (my dad) has yet to apologize for doing what he did to me a couple of weeks ago to which she said "that was in the past. The past is the past. You have to forget about it, just like he did" that is total bullshit.. he doesn't talk to me unless my mom is around (i guess you could say she's the peace keeper, well tries to be at least) or when he wants me to do something that involves cleaning something up. Ever since my mom has uttered the word 'apologize' i have been agaisnt it. Why give an apology that isn't sincere and/or has no importance to you? Sure maybe i have contiplated apologizing but i'm not going to do it.. i did something this time that i did every other time, i served myself food standing up. It's something i've been doing for years.. why say something about it now? Why get upset about something so stupid now?
Ugh.. i have no idea what i'm going to do. What i do know is that i can't wait to get out of here..
Anyways, negative energy.. makes me feel very uncomfortable. Thank God i had my baby on the line. After watching some tv, i had to eat right. My mom cooks us a wonderful diner (consisted of corn on a cob, souvlaki, and ceasure salade.. yum) no one is at the table besides my little sister who just finished serving herself some salade and myself. I go on to serve myself some salade when my dad comes to the table and tells me "you shouldn't serve yourself while standing up. It's bad manners." to which i told him "alright" .. few second later he said "am i talking to wind or something?" to which i stayed quiet. That is when he got really upset and grumpy. He barely ate, he stayed quiet and excused himself after five minutes at the table. After everything was cleaned up and i went to get the laptop (to start this blog :p ), my mom stops me to tell me that she wants me to apologize to my dad.. ugh, why? Because he's really upset and it's seen as though i was 'defying him' when i didn't sit down to serve myself salade.. are you serious right now? I told her that he (my dad) has yet to apologize for doing what he did to me a couple of weeks ago to which she said "that was in the past. The past is the past. You have to forget about it, just like he did" that is total bullshit.. he doesn't talk to me unless my mom is around (i guess you could say she's the peace keeper, well tries to be at least) or when he wants me to do something that involves cleaning something up. Ever since my mom has uttered the word 'apologize' i have been agaisnt it. Why give an apology that isn't sincere and/or has no importance to you? Sure maybe i have contiplated apologizing but i'm not going to do it.. i did something this time that i did every other time, i served myself food standing up. It's something i've been doing for years.. why say something about it now? Why get upset about something so stupid now?
Ugh.. i have no idea what i'm going to do. What i do know is that i can't wait to get out of here..
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