simple as that.

School has started..
my god, what a semi busy two weeks it has been.. and things have just begun. I'm feeling a lot of mix emotions. Here they all are:

1) Confusion. From school to personal life. I'm scared I no longer know if  I want to go into interior design.. well I do know that that is what i want to do but I fear that I wont want to do that any more come a certain time which confuses me. Personally, there is my relationship with my friends. I don't know if i want to be friends with them anymore.. should i really be questioning the friendships I have with people - two people whom i use to call my best-friends? Now that i know one of them would text people to make sure i was where i said i was because i couldn't hang out with them and the other.. well, i don't know about her. I mean i do, i just can't necessarily say. I just notice things now, how fake she is..
Funny how she has the audacity to come up to me and ask where my boyfriend is as if she thinks i'd tell her after what happened.. HA !

2) Scared. I'm actually terrified. I feel like I'm falling behind on everything. My Bubbie is so ahead, which makes me feel like I'm stuck behind. I have this idea that everything has to be done for a certain date when it actually isn't.. i think i'm giving myself more work than i really should, more than i can handle but yet i can't stop.

3) Stupid. People.. well my family and sometimes my Bubbie, imply or say that i'm not smart. Like they don't believe that i can achieve certain things. My family, well they believe the greatness in the family will be my little sister, so they cater to her needs and put mine on the back burner. Question what i do and why i do it. They baby me.. like for fuck sakes, they don't even want to let me take the ttc this year. I'm fucking 17 years old.. turning 18 in less then six months, i should be able to take the fucking ttc if i fucking want to ! and as for my bubbie.. well i can tell he doesn't think i'm going to do well in math.. he has that tone in his voice; you know, the one of uncertainty? I don't even know; with all these signs coming at me, i'm starting to believe i actually am stupid and that i won't do well in that math class.

4) Anxiety/Excitement. I'm actually really excited but yet anxious for university. Which one shall i go to? I want to go far away to tell you the truth.. not only because my parents will pay for my apartment if i do, but because i want to actually know what it is like to be 'an adult' - live with my Bubbie, in a place we can call OURS. Sure my parents may be the ones writing the rent check every month, but it'd be our home. We'd be able to walk around naked, have sex all day every day, eat, play video games, work together.. everything. Plus it's starting a new life. I don;t want to stay at home when I;m in university.. i've been here for 18 years, i need to be out on my own... i don't know. It's exciting. Every one always says how university/college helps you discover who you are and what an amazing experience it is.. i want to experience it :)

5) Secluded. For some reason i feel secluded from everyone. In math class i see how obnoxious some girls are. In the halls i see how annoying and slow the black/african people are. I am not a racist by any means.. but my God are they ever slow. Like it doesn't occur to them that there are people behind them trying to get ahead of them but they can't move their asses, no. they have to take up all the room in the damn hallway, each friend beside each other. walking as if they needed walkers. ughh. When i'm at school, i just want to be with my Bubbie, in silence working. When I'm at home, I just want to be with my Bubbie, in silence working.

That's it for now. So far I've been staying away from my two friends. I can't really stand them. One of them i really can't stand at all.. she calls herself my best-friend but really, she would've told me what had happened if she was. I should be putting everything behind me and I am doing my best to do so, but right now i just feel so much anger and disguste that it needs to come out.. somehow. Sadly, i cannot say what has happened and how i feel without saying what happened. So maybe i shall vent to my Bubbie. Who knows. All i know is that tomorrow is going to be a nice day full of retail therapy and school work.. yay, fun.
:p

buy me a rainbow

BOOYAHHH ! I was right ladies and gentlemen.. it was all a mind game.
I was right but yet the idea of it all still hurt and still got me to cry..
but it don't matter because I got my Bubbie, he still loves me, he still wants to be with me, he still wants me... and that my friends is all that matters :)

Monster - Kanye West

I actually LOVE this song, Nicki Minaj goes hard... as usual.

Monster [Feat. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, & Bon Iver] - Kanye West

broken.

I don't know, whether this is a game or not, but I'm hurting A LOT. I know, I know, I broke up with him so why am I acting as if I'm the one who got broken up with.. guess it's because I fought and fought for him back but he simply doesn't want to be with me..
I thought we still had a chance to get back together, but then last night he asked for my heart box back.. the one he told me he'd never want me to give back to him because it means something.. but now he wants it back. So now I know there is no hope for us to get back together. It's actually over.
Wow, that's hard to actually admit to myself..

unspeakable

Bubbie made me a heart for my 17th birthday. I have been filling that heart up with our memories. Bubbie told me he wanted that heart back on September 1st 2010. My world stopped. It's Over.

Heartless - Justin Nozuka

Listened to this song last night, this morning and am listening to it this very moment. It's exactly how I feel about my bubbie.  So here are the lyrics to Heartless by Justin Nozuka
& Bubbie if you read this.. I love you.

Heartless - Justin Nozuka

(Verse 1)
Promise not to leave her, Said I'd never disappear
She knows I'll come back some day
Crying in the bathroom as the mirror disappears
Holding onto faded moments

(Bridge)
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again


(Chorus)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)
Never leave You standing in the Darkness (The Darkness)
Darling, Oh I Promise (Oh I promise)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)


Never gonna leave me,
Said she'd always be right here
Even when she's farthest away
Underneath your worry, the reason's always clear
Hold onto this very moment


(Bridge)
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again
Momma- I think I did it again-
I got lost in the Wind again

(Chorus)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)
Never leave You standing in the Darkness (The Darkness)
Darling, Oh I Promise (Oh I promise)
I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)


Oh You know I'll never gonna let You down (down x2)
Oh You know I'll never gonna let You down (down x2)
Ohhh (down x2)

(Chorus)
No, I'll never leave You Heartless (Heartless)
Never leave You standing in the Darkness (The Darkness)
(I'll never, I'll never)
Darling, Oh I Promise (Oh I promise)
(I won't ever let you down)
(Heartless, Heartless)
(You know... )
(Heartless, Heartless)
(You know, You know I'll never gonna leave you)
(A million miles away, I'll still find You x2) x3
Heartless

unthinkable

I broke up with my baby, my bubbie, my love... my everything.
Why would I do something like that if he's my everything? Well it's simple.. stupidity. Mix in some anger and you get what is the biggest mistake.. the biggest fuckup... anyone could ever do. Ughh, no one, not even him, knows how much I regret calling him to say "You want me to let you be, then fine, it's over!"
Oh God, how I wish I could just rewind life and call him to tell him I'm sorry for attacking him earlier on during the day.. We'd still be together right now, we would've gone biking yesterday, we wouldn't 'just be friends'.. Since that is impossible, I have to show him that I actually can be that girlfriend that he wants and needs. It has only been two days, but in those two days I haven't eaten, barely slept, sucks. If you asked me how I'm doing I'd tell you I'm fine.. but the marks on my legs would let you know otherwise (my bike has cut me God knows how many times and I fell down the stairs today) I've been trying to disguise how much hurt I am in... I miss him, though we talk as friends (I shall explain...) I miss the idea that he is mine, he's my bubbie and I'm his baby. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loves me, that he even loves me, miss talking about our future (we have it all planned out).. I'm fine when I don't think about the fact that we aren't together, because when we talk everything is perfect.. but when I do. oh God, get away from me. I can't stop crying (I actually think that the birth control pills that I just got on is causing the uncontrollable tears since I even cry at tv shows now:s).. I don't know why I keep crying, like I know I love him and I threw what we had away, but afterwards I went back and tried picking it all up again.. pick him back up. But he was holding on to a pole with all his strength, so why do I cry if I tried everything and simply got spat on?
How can I explain this... Alright, monday night we got into an argument. In the morning I attacked him and from there things just got worst. During the evening he told me "leave me, I dare you. Let's see if you have the balls to do it" .. then he told me to just let him be so that's when I lost my shit.. I lost my common sense and broke up with him. But it doesn't feel like I've lost him, you know what I mean? It's a feeling that is very hard to explain. I just feel like he's still mine, that we aren't over. I strongly believe his whole 'i just want to be friends' thing is his cruel way of teaching me a lesson. You know, the lesson where he shows me what it's like to lose someone whom you really love because you took them for granted type thing. I know that I have to show him what type of girlfriend I can be just by being his friend but when we talk it suddenly hits me that he isn't my boyfriend, so he says, I still believe he is... an other reason why I think this is all an evil lesson plan is because when we spoke on the phone last night he said "you're my girlfriend, I wouldn't want to make you feel bad about that" (we were talking about my stinky breath after I had my wisdom teeth pulled out) and when he called me baby, he did apologize for that, said he should of never said it but he said it because he doesn't want to send me mix messages but I know it was a slip up.. i just know it. He has done this to me before, last time he just wanted to be friends and he wanted me to get him Pizza then offered me a bite of it.. Later he tells me it was all a prank and that when he asked me that, he forgot that he was playing a prank on me:p
I know this all sounds so confusing... probably doesn't make any sense since I wrote it in this huge text... So here's a sumary of everything. I broke up with bubbie. Tried to get him to see that it was something done out of anger and didn't mean it but he doesn't believe me (so he says).. he just wants his space and just wants to be friends (so he says) and see how it goes. But I think this is all a plan he has thought up to teach me an evil and cruel lesson. However, even though I have come to this conclusion at night, my body acts stressed out which I don't understand.. He's sending me theses sublinimal messages that he still wants to be with me, but i don't know.. the more this caries out, the more I lose hope that we will get back together.

bang baby bang

I've given myself some new objectives for the year 2010-2011 (eh ! it just hit me.. my anniversary with Bubbie, if we last that long, will be one 11/11/11 haha) here they are, written from most important to least:

1) get into the University of my choice
2) reach my personal academic standards
3) get an internship somewhere that'll help me and my future
4) be happy
5) keep my relationship with Bubbie healthy.
6) get back in shape
7) work on my inner self
8) rebuild broken friendships

It isn't much but it'll keep me focused on what i want. Who knows, I might update it some time during the year.

coming to the end but starting a new beginning.

Hello, hello. Bonjour, bonjour. Hola, hola. I'm back ! From where you might ask.. well, from nowhere. Lets just say I'm back to reality. Unfortunately, as my daze is finally coming to a close so is our wonderful summer vacation. In about two weeks we will all be back in our school buildings, sitting at old desks, listening to teachers rabble on about nothing wishing summer never ended. Can't say I'm excited to go back :(
We shall not dread on the negative, because as they say; dreading on negativity simply contributes to its power. If you asked me what was my favourite summer year, a couple months ago I propably would've told you Summer of 2008 - Euro trip ... hands down, no hesitation.
However, if you were to ask me now, I'd tell you Summer of 2010 - Self Discovery. I know crazy right.. who would've thought discovering a handfull of new things about yourself would outdue going to Europe.. not me but it has and I'm grateful I've gone through it. I might not of discovered everything I need about myself but I have discovered enough to make me happy and that's what counts right? As long as you are happy with yourself who really gives a damn about what everybody else thinks.
Luckily for me I did not have to go to foreign countries to learn about myself. I didn't have to indulge in amazing food in Italy, didn't have to get spiritual guidance in India nor did I have to find true love and inner balance in Bali. Surprisingly, I did it all here, at home in Toronto, Ontario Canada.. My amazing food? Well no, more like indulging in huge amounts of chocolate. Spiritual guidance? I guess you could say I got that one from music and myself.. my inner self. I've been listening more and things have been working out for me that way. True love? I already had that to begin with, thank God I never lost it; came close.. but that's when I'd hold on even tighter.
If you knew me on June 27th (Father's day) and saw me now.. you'd be surprised at what I've become... WHO I've become. I've been through my ups and downs this summer.. had to fight extremely hard and treacherous battles. Felt what seemed like every emotion possible. Went from trusting to doubtful, beautiful to ugly, happy to sad, peaceful to angry, cherished to abused..everything and anything. I remember some mornings not wanting to wake up; not wanting to see or talk to anybody. On those days there was only one person who was able to get me out of it for a few seconds and that ladies and gentlemen was my Bubbie. I don't know what it is about him but he has the power.. Even after he told me what he had done couple months ago, I couldn't bare to see his face but yet I found myself on the bus at 9am on my way to his house to spend the day. It's funny how love ones make us do things they know will better us. The day he told me what he had done was my first wake up call. I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for anything because in most eyes it isn't my fault (but if what I did was the driving force to what caused you to do what you did, then it is partially my fault and I do need to correct some things about myself) but to me, I am responsible for probably a third of it.. maybe more like a forth. It took me a while to see that I had changes to make in the way I dealt with things, my way of going about it all, but once I did realized it, I started to work on it.. If you ask Bubbie, he'd probably say it's hard to tell... I know my changes aren't necessarily being portrayed or even seen by him but they are coming along on the inside of myself and I can see them which is what matters most. An other wake up call was the incident I had with my father.. an other one (small recap.. on fathers day we made up.. two weeks later we had an other falling out and he tried breaking my arm) It all just made me see how childish my parents are and how I don't want that with Bubbie.. gave me the extra push to work things out in our relationship. And it also showed me how to be strong not only for myself but also for others, and how to speak up.. I can't and shouldn't wait until the last minute when it might be too late for a change.. though they say it's never too late, sometimes it is and you want to prevent things from getting to that point.  A bunch of little things like the few falling outs with Bubbie that almost ended our relationship, internel struggles and family drama have all helped me with my self discovery and self evolving.
However, I believe the past week has been the most monumental one yet.. last thursday (August 19th 2010) Bubbie asked me if I think we need to split up this year because he doesn't want me to be a distraction. Very hurtful I know, I shouldn't be put in the same category as his damn xbox360 (his exemple of a distraction) I told him no and that is when it all went downhill.. the entire day we had our ups and downs but after that question, things just kept going down. It was horrible. He told me it was over and I was crying my eyes out. I can't see myself without him, everybody knows it. I was hurting so much, crying and singing Adele because she truly knows how to express how I feel (second to myself :p) I wanted him to regret it.. I wanted him to feel terrible so I told him that he should treat his next girlfriend better than he treated me. And that's when he told me I had ruined every chance of getting back with him.. but to his surprise, after he sent me a sport/football metaphor type thing I sent him one right back telling him how his job is to catch me when I fall (well when i'm being passed to him). See, to him I am the football.. the most important thing in the game. His job is to catch me and protect me but that time he let me fall.. he caught me and dropped me (fumble right?) well here's  what I said.. If you trully had love for me you wouldn't of let me go. You wouldn't give up. You said I'm the football, your job is to catch me. Right now you've let me drop. I believe they call that a fumble. I've been thrown so many times, a lot of times they hurt me like hell but I always made sure to land safely in your arms but this time YOU let me go. The moment you told me that you think we should split up so that we aren't a distraction to one an other is the moment that you dropped the ball, the moment that you dropped me. After that we had a LONG talk on the phone. I know I have major self improving that still needs to happen and he sees that I'm working on it. That moment was almost like the ending of my world. Since then I've been controlling myself. I haven't been attacking him and pushing him to the point where all he wants is to get away from me which is MAJOR.
The days after that one? Well let's just say they have been amazing. I have found my motivation for Basketball once again.. starting to get back in shape. I'm going to be serious about school, my last year and I want it to go well. Things with my Bubbie couldn't be going any better (we've biked together, cooked, i peed infront of him, was in my family portrait... wonderful), I know what I want to do; what I want to study and have the driving force to excel in it. Extraordinary summer. Only thing I regret; not hanging out with my besties as much as I should've.
I'm not perfect, far from it. What I am is happy & at peace.
The end of summer is coming to a close, but the beginning of a new life is just beginning.

orientation.. sexual that is.

Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Transgender. Straight.
Does it all really matter? Should other people really care about who you love? Why do they feel the need to say it's 'wrong' for people of the same sexe to love each other, intimately and emotionaly? Personally, i don't get what their problem is. If you love someone, if that person makes you exceptionally happy, if they make you feel loved, at peace, make the best of you shine.. does it really matter if they are the same sexe as you or not? According to A LOT of people out there, it does. And every time someone tells me that it's wrong; that it's like trying to plug two plugs together, all i can do is just shake my head in dissagreement. It's not like i can really say "you don't know what it's like for us" because can i really consider myself one of 'them'? Sure i have had a thing for women.. a really big thing, but i don't anymore.. so what is that considered, a phase? Someone told me (well it was my boyfriend) that they don't believe that i was a true 'lesbian' because sure i might of liked the idea of being with a women, but i didn't necessarily like the women. Get it? I'm sure every girl has a 'girl crush' and maybe i had a few.. and i also had the mentality that i wanted to be with those girls. Like i could see myself with them, buying them gifts, taking them out, kissing them, holding them.. but it never went further than that, nothing truly sexual. Which now has me thinking, was i simply lonely and wanted someone to treat me the way i wanted to treat those women (one in particular Alex Thomopoulos). I wanted to feel loved, and wanted someone to do all those special things for me so i would picture myself with a women so i could fulfill that need of feeling special by treating a woman special.. does that make ANY sense? I wanted to play the role of the alpha-male in the relationship so i could show how it's done, how to really be there for a women. But now, now that i have a man in my life.. a man that makes me feel loved, wanted, special, safe, 'golden' i no longer have that desire for women.. i no longer have those thoughts, nor feelings for them.. so i guess you can say it was a phase. One that i had mistook for bisexuality. Don't get me wrong, i still have those moments where i can't help but look at a woman and smile on the inside, women are beautiful.. but my man is gorgeous. & no one can take him away from me.
I could never tell him, which is why i am telling you guys.. my boyfriend was right (i think it's time i give him a nickname since i mention him so much in this blog).. i knew from the first time he told me that he thought what i was going through was a simple phase, i just never admitted it to him because well knowing him he'd never let me hear the end of it.. but that doesn't mean that his comments on how wrong it is should be taken lightly.. but then again, it's his opnion, and in the words of T.I. "Opinions are like escalades, everybody got one"

btw..

oh yeah, my boyfriend did NOT break up with me.. well he did but came back to his senses like five minutes after, i shall explain later... possibly.
Good night !

life altering

Getting pregnant at the age of seventeen is completely life altering. Having to; one, constantly wonder if you are or aren't pregnant. What if you don't have the money to pay for tests? What if you don't have the money and can't turn to your parents nor your significant other because one will kick you out of the house and you fear that the other will leave you. Two, you find out your pregnant, now what; adoption, abortion or keep it? Many different things to choose from. Some frown upon abortion but really it's your decision.. it's not like it's an actual humain being just yet.. no it's a fetus, it can't feel, can't hear, can't necessarily move, can't really do anything. If you feel as though you aren't mentally and physically able to handle carry a baby in your stomach for 41 weeks, then maybe you should get an abortion. Sure people may judge you or something but who .. pardon my french.. gives a fuck. It's your life, not theirs. Now for adoption, great thing don't get me wrong. If i couldn't have children or later in life didn't want children i would most definitely adopt. But at the age of seventeen, do you really want to go through the pain and heartache of caring a humain being inside of you for 41 weeks, giving birth to it and then having to give it away. It may sound easy but I've heard it is the hardest thing to do; during those 41 weeks a bond is greated between mother and child, a bond that can never be replaced. And in that moment where after you push the child out of you, after you want it to be over with, after all the nasty vagina gunk has been removed from the infant, and is handed to you; you most likely never want to let go. Even if you are the biggest bitch out there, i am one hundred precent sure that no mother could hold their new baby born without feeling an eternel love. And that eternal love is what pushes you to give the baby for adoption. It may take time, i guess that's why they give you 36 hours (i believe) before making your final decision. Making sure your new born has the best life they could possibly ask for is what pushes you to give him up to a family you KNOW can make all his dreams come true and who can take better care of them more than you could ever do. And for keeping it.. well, if you're up to keeping it and know it's what's right then go for it. It's just sometimes people have children for the wrong reasons and end up keeping them as a mier accessory (or dump the burden of having a new born onto their mother when they go out and have the time of their life). but if you keep a baby, can you still continue with your education. Or do you think you'd have to put that on hold for a while..? Not saying it's a bad thing to stop and go back, but having a baby at such a young ages not only takes away many opportunity and closes doors but it can also send you spinning down-wards...
So why all this baby talk you wonder? Well for the longest time i thought that i could be pregnant. My boyfriend and i once had unpretected sex. Not the smartest idea because well now, i wonder if i'm pregnant and i have to reassure him that i am not. At first i didn't think i was, but then i kind of felt my body changing. I gained more weight, my fingers got bigger (heard that could happen on 'Friends'), my boyfriend says my butt has gotten bigger, my boobs are bigger, i'm constantly peeing, always hungry. But then i got to thinking.. my fingers actually aren't that big, i'm only seventeen so of course my body is still going through some changes; boobs and ass grow (good thing..) .. but then there was that thought of histarical pregnancy (yes, i learnt that from Glee) i think about something so much and all the body changes that they actually come true. One day, I thought to myself what if i am pregnant. what would i do? And i came up with this conclusion; i'd tell my boyfriend (obviously) and then tell him i'm getting an abortion. I know, it's risking a lot.. especially with my condition, what if this is the only time i can get pregnant.. i thought of that; we will find an other way of having children. We are sixteen and seventeen.. we aren't ready to have a child nor would we be strong enough to give it up for adoption (knowing him, he'd be the softest one out of both of us :p). I know this is selfish, but i'm not ready to throw my life away at the age of seventeen, nor do i want my boyfriend to think he HAS to do things now because he's my baby daddy which well.. is similar to throwing ones life away. I know having a child is like throwing your life away, but it gives you an entirely new one.. which is magnificant.. but i'm not ready for that. Which is why i'd get an abortion IF i was pregnant and i was this young... not economically stable, not knowing where i'm going in life and just not ready.
good thing is.. I'm not pregnant, I got my period today :) thing is.. i think my mom may think i am since i'm constantly peeing, but i think that's due to some kind of bladder infection.

hm..

i honestly think he just might be breaking up with me..

love = war

Good day to you all.
I should really be doing some art work right now but lets put that on hold for a while. I feel like I should in light you all on what happened on my six month anniversary and today's events. 
So i attended my best-friend's prom on my boyfriend and me' six month anniversary. This isn't like the fourth month or something, it's half a year. Which is pretty big, so obviously he was upset. Which is totally understandable. When he dropped me off i really REALLY didn't want to leave. If i could i would've spent the entire day with him, i would've came up with some lie so i didn't have to attend the prom.. But i couldn't. And today, he's upset. Think it started because i didn't text him today.. well i fell asleep for more than three hours. However, when i did start texting him i was told to stop or else he would put his phone on airplane mode. He would avoid my questions, tell me to stop texting him and now 'threatens' me that he will put his phone on airplane mode.. seriously? Running away from ones problems doesn't make them go away. Well in his case, avoiding them.. avoiding my questions will not make them go away, nor will it solve his problems.. if anything they'll simply come back again (like next week :s) and something even worse than before will occur.. But seriously, if he is doubting whether or not he should be with me i have the right to know right? Well he doesn't think so. I know when some thing is wrong with him i need to leave him alone. He will think about it for a while then it'll all blow over but I'm tired of this coming in question... He just tweeted this "I'm just not that important to her" really? If that is the case then why would i be with him? Why would i make him tea every morning when he is sick? Why would i wished i was with him the entire night instead of in a room filled with people i don't even know. If that's the case.. i don't see why he doesn't just leave me. He seems to be doubting our relationship so much right now. it kind of seems like he finds/creates the smallest things, make them into a big deal and in the end loses interest. Thing is, me always having to fight, always having to deal with him losing interest or wondering whether or not to break up with me, is making me tired. Just makes me feel like not fighting anymore. How many times do i have to go through the same thing for him to finally stop going back and forth. Can't his questioning stay in place but have our relationship move forward? Just seems like every week is a stronger battle to fight and i'm not sure how much longer i can keep going..
Wait, what am i saying? I love him, with every bone in my body. Even when he's mad at me, i find myself telling him "i love you" sure he might not say it back because he's upset but i feel like whenever i tell him it makes him feel somewhat better. Maybe it doesn't but if that's the case then i rather not know because i like the idea that it does. Sure things are hard.. but what was i suppose to expect. It's the day following the SF prom. My parents let me spend the night with my best-friend.. but when it comes to him they give me a curfew of 8 o'clock. Or even worse.. don't want me seeing him at all. And do i fight back; no. I know i should.. I really do because now look; it's costing me my relationship. The best thing that's ever happened to me. See, it always occurs to me how lovely he looks everyday.. sure he may be wearing the same thing every other guy is in our school but when you look at him and see him wearing it, it's like he's wearing something completely different; something that has been made specifically for him.. something that makes him look well, lovely. And the way he smiles.. simply makes my heart melt. It's been six months, a day and forty five minutes since he stole my breath away; but it seems as though it was yesterday. And as he was walking on the path of life, he took a left turn and came onto mine.. he walked into my life and completed my soul. To some he may seem crazy, gay, horny or retarded. But if you really got to know him, you'd see exactly what i do. His soul; it's as if he traveled through heaven and searched through the garden of love. He is the most loving person i know. See when it all comes back around, i still can't figure out how she ever let him get away. He's simply amazing, he just kept his head up high and i won't lie.. i'm happy she let him get away because now i'm the one blessed with his love. I can't feel without his touch. I can't dream without his smile. I can't live without his love. I cannot fall without his hand. I can't cry without his arms. His whispering is uplifting. And when he sings.. whether it be Justin Bieber's 'Baby' or Bob Marley's 'One Love' i want him to keep on singing (though i can't stand JB) and hold me closer than he's ever did before. 
Truth is that things are hard right now. But i'm not going to give up. No matter how tired i get from his constant questioning, I don't want to lose something as amazing as him. So i'm willing to fight for as long as i possibly can.. Even if i'm standing on the front line, defending our love on my own. I'm going to give my all. Even if tension rises; there is no giving up. There is conflict.. there is struggle but it doesn't matter because i know we're tough enough that we can over come whatever comes our way. And after the smokes disappears, you can find us still standing. 
When he kisses me.. really truly kisses me, we are connected by our hearts.. we are one. Why would i want to lose that? I'm willing to turn on my parents to keep him in my life. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost.. i will gladly pay. When I've given all i can give, i will give him more. Our love will keep growing, even if there's a storm. We can take that storm and turn it all around and then the sun shall shine through. We're going to have some causalities but i'll make sure we never surrender. I never want to hear him say that he's done. So even when it hurts; i'll keep marching on. 
Love is a war filled with many battles. You lose some, and you win some. It's up to you if you want to keep fighting 'til the end. We too have our battles, but we've come out stronger than ever. THAT's the story of our relationship. We have all been designed but he is as real on the outside. 

ohhhh yeahhh, that's right.

Speaking of my boyfriend, it's our 6 month anniversary tomorrow. He's running for a spot in our student body council and well; he's very nervous. How do i know? Well he's treating me like shit. Thing is; i don't blame him. I'm going to my best-friend's prom.. a guy whom my boyfriend isn't to fond of. So he's going off telling me a bunch of shit, really making me want to cry but eh, what can i do besides tell him to stop and just take it like a man really? It's nothing new, i'm his pushing bag just like i'm everybody elses.. but his punches hurt the most.
The one that hurt the most; when he told me he doesn't fully trust me. He actually thinks i'm going to go and whore it up at the prom.. um, news flash. I'm loyal. I love him to death and would never ever hurt him.. sadly it seems like it's the other way around for him. I always find myself on the other side of his fuse..
it gets hard.. real real hard. I remember one day, i fought, i fought extremely hard not to pick up that pin.. and i lost that fight and am now stuck with yet an other scarr. If only it was the lightning bolt on my forehead and not a one somewhere else. Whatever; you live and you learn right? I shouldnt even be exposing this type of stuff because i know he's reading this. I posted it on my twitter (probably mistake on my part)..
Whatever, i love my baby. He's meant for me and i'm meant for him. I hope that nothing and no one can nor will come in between us because i can honestly say i can't see myself with anybody else. Nor do i want to be with anyone else. Few months into seeing each other and i already know he's the one.. he's my everything. And i don't want to lose him. So i gotta toughen it out, i must remember that when he spazzes at me like this, it's because he's stressed or nervous.. doesn't mean it's right but whatever it takes for me to be with my baby, best believe i'ma do it.

Oh Mother...

hm.. how to describe my life in these past few days.. weird. Yuup, i think that's the perfect word for it.. these past i guess you could say two days, have been weird. Let me explain why.
Well to begin with, my school is hosting their annual Athletes Banquet, which takes place on a boat and is for the high school kids. This fine evening comes at a price (obviously), a price of 45$. For some that may not be expensive but for others it is considerably pricey. Past two years, it hasn't even been seen as pricey for me. When i'd ask my mother she'd simply say yes, hand me the money, and on to the next one. But this year, now that i have a boyfriend and she knows he's attending.. it's all "we're tight on money" but yet she goes and spends 30$+ on some fast food, and my father buys himself three t-shirts for 90$ (without tax). Don't get me wrong, they are nice t-shirts but c'mon. Am i being selfish or do you see where i'm coming from? Anyways, i am very wanted at this banquet; not only by my boyfriend but also by my best friends. My boyfriend being the amazing guy that he is; offered to pay for me. I know, amazing.. aren't i the luckiest girl in the world? So that night i told my mother the plan; he'd pay for me and i'd pay him back. For some odd reason she said she had to think it over.. why? Probably because she thinks i'm going to have sex on the boat or something.. which is completely foolish. One, i have manners. Two, where are you suppose to have sex on a boat like that one.. there is no place for that. And three, ew; why would i want to have sex on THAT boat, a sail boat maybe but not THAT boat. Anyways, so the following day my ticket had been payed for. I told my mother and she got upset. She also asked me if i had apologized to my father yet.. ugh, are you kidding me right now? Like how many times do i have to tell you that i'm not giving an apology i dont actually mean. So as i was saying, she was getting mad at me that it all had been planned out and paid for without her giving me the green light. I got upset at this point because well, i'm 17 i should be able to do what i set out to do. Like she already tells me to get off the phone at a certain time i do. She says i can't hang out with my boyfriend two weekends in a row (stupidest thing i've ever heard) so i don't. I clean, i mow the lawn, i take care of our pets and whatever else it may be she ask of me. So what's the problem of me having my own life? I don't know, so i told her. I told her that i'm 17 and i don't see why she's treating me like she is when i do most around the house. and then she kicked me out of her room. Do i regret leaving.. yes. I feel like i should've stayed in there and said everything that was on my mind, even if she got angry at me. Who cares right. I no longer have much to lose since she's already trying to minimize the amount of time i spend with my boyfriend. As if she's ever met him.. No. She has only heard immensily insane and untrue stories a friend's parent passed on to her. Stories that are.. pardon my french.. total bullshit. She's basing her opinion of him, on that nonsense. She doesn't know him.. if she did, she would let me stay with him as long as i want. She'd see what i see in him. How wonderful he is. How happy he makes me feel. But she's blinded by false stories. And i don't know how i'm going to get her to change her views.. If i don't, i know it'll drive my boyfriend away; so i must think of something. Think of something quick.

Kid Cudi - All Talk (Feat. Chip Tha Ripper & Christian Bale)

-Download-

Kid Cudi - All Talk (Feat. Chip Tha Ripper & Christian Bale)

...too sick, don't sleep on this one...

1982 (Statik Selektah & Termanology) - The Darkest Cloud (Feat. Chace Infinite)

-Download-

1982 (Statik Selektah & Termanology) - The Darkest Cloud

Eminem - Won't Back Down (Feat. P!nk)

-Download-

Eminem - Won't Back Down (Feat. P!nk)

...EXTREMELY sick. It got a few bad reviews on a certain site.. some people don't like the 'rock' beat but let's be real; hip-hop infused with rock is back right now.. just trust me, you don't want to sleep on this one.

Janelle Monáe - Tightrope (Wondamix Feat. B.o.B & Lupe Fiasco)

-Download-

Janelle Monáe - Tightrope (Wondamix)(Feat. B.o.B & Lupe Fiasco)

...Sick track...

Boy, what a day.

It's funny; this post was suppose to be about how awful my day was but it actually turned out to be funny.
So, today.. my boyfriend broke up with me. How is that funny? Well it was a prank.. it all started in psychology class. He was talking about some hot girl that he would 'bang' and how lucky our friend is to be with 'dealing' with her. I got annoyed, what girl wouldn't. He was showing pictures of her and things.. like do you think i seriously want to see pictures of a girl you want to sleep with? no not really... Anyways,  i said things about the other girls he was attracted to and he went off about if i can't take it then we should go on a break so i can work my shit out.. half a day this lasted. It was suppose to be longer. Thank God it wasn't...
Initially i was going to post something about how i don't deserve him. I wasn't going to write something like "My baby up and left me alone. How could he do it.. go break my heart when he used to be the one crying for me not to leave. Gave him all of me, gave him my soul and that was exactly what he stole from me.." I was actually going to write how i deserved to be left. I've got a lot of issues man. I think i've always known but him 'breaking up' with me opened my eyes. It's almost as if i don't want him having a life, like i don't want him to be him. I have an idea of the perfect man (don't we all?) and sometimes i feel as though he doesn't fit that criteria. No women likes it when the love of their life looks at other women and talk about how hot they think she is. BUT then i realize how wonderful he is. HE IS the perfect man so fuck my idea of what i think it is.. why strive for an idea when you already have the actual thing.
So yeah.. he broke up with me over text as a joke, i pretended to be pregnant, he TRIED to 'play-cheat' on me but FAILED, broke up with.. now it's my turn.. should i actually play or just forfeit?

Correction

Alright, i take back what i said about my boyfriend. Well i don't take it back, i've just relaxed so am now able to fully explain myself (i should really be studying right now.. haha)
First off; he checks girls out and flirts with them right infront of me. Sure it makes me feel like he's searching for something i don't have and that he craves in a women but should i really feel bad about him doing that? It is insulting when he flirts with girls right there in my face but it's him right.. i know he won't actually do anything. I'm the one he wants, i'm the one he goes to afterwards and kisses. It's a simple game of fun.. but then why can't i find myself doing the same thing? I don't dare check another man out nor flirt. Maybe we're just two different people and commitment is something different to each of us... who knows. Plus he's a guy.. that's what they do right?
Secondly; his ex. you knew this one was coming up.. nothing i can really do or say. He's going to talk to her no matter what. Not like i'd tell him to stop anyways.. it's just weird. especially (like i said before..) since they started talking once he lost attraction to me. Kind of like i pushed him back into her arms type thing. All i can do is suck it up, and look the other way whenever i see her name pop up on his iPhone...
Thirdly (is that a word?); he's amazing. I know i say (or will say) things that make him seem like a bad boyfriend who is a pig but no. He does the sweetest things for me like take me all the way home whenever we go out together (may not seem like much but when you live 40 minutes away from eachother it is.. ) He buys me muffins in the morning (today was the first time actually :p), kisses me just for the sake of it, squeezes me real tight; kind of like he never wants to let me go. Tell me he loves me more than i can count on a daily basis. He's simply amazing and i love him with all my heart..
it's just right now, right right now.. my head isn't straight and i just wish i could leave this earth for a little bit. Get away from it all, but sadly the only way that is possible is through my dreams..

update

two minutes into studying solo dolo and i'm in tears because im so frustrated with my damn life and now have to stress out about this fucking test.. which im going to fail which will lead my parents taking stuff away from me like the little bit of freedom i have..
life's good...

Aftermath..

Aftermath about what? Well everything.. from love life to home life.

Hm.. where to start? I guess i can give you guys a follow up on last night's events. Well now my father is all moody and quiet. Last time he acted like this he called me different names, and told my mom that he sees no future for them. Ugh, wow. So yeah, if that happens again over stupid shit like this then um.. soft much? I don't know. I really don't get what my parents want from me? Apologize for something that i believe is total bullshit.. Not even "Bullshit is for the birds. You ain't nothing but a vulture" how much i wish i could tell him that.. well that or "fuck up." ha ! I guess i should've seen this coming. He was the same way with my elder sister and now it's me. Why.. i guess because we're getting older and we realize that he's full of well.. you can fill in that blank. Is it normal to dread coming home every night because you hate the negative atmosphere.. omfg ! today i found a white hair (well it was actually silver grey which must mean my hair is healthy :p) but damn, i flipped out. I'm 17.. i shouldn't be finding white/silver hairs. Not yet at least.. i'm still young. Clearly the stress from my home is taking a tole on my body; i haven't found myself to be so hungry, i don't sleep well here.. my new bed = the school bus seat. Great way to be leaving isn't it?

Maybe i'm being a drama queen.. maybe since i've known better than this, it seems to be a lot for me. But compared to someone who has seen worse than i have is probably thinking "soft tinnggss".. Probably, but even my baby thought i was boosting about my home life. However when he was on the line yesterday, he realized that i wasn't boosting at all...

Speaking of my baby, i know he'll be reading this. But i won't filter anything.. especially what i'm about to say. Let's see; how can i say this without really saying much?

...

alright well a couple weeks ago.. i believe two, my boyfriend lost complete attraction to me.. And five (i think) girls attracted him so much he flirted with them in front of me.. correction, flirts with them in front of me. One of the girls he got attracted to is his ex... hm. First he tells me that it was just a phase. Which i believe, don't get me wrong. But that day, i feel like he did things to me not just to make me happy but also to make himself believe that it was just a phase.. because let's be honest; that day i looked like the biggest ragamuffin out there. Board shorts, flat ass, white v-neck tee, converse and puffy hair (thanks humidity). So obviously i didn't fully believe it. Do i still do? um, i do believe him.. but i also believe that he's still attracted to all those other girls.. one to be more specific. Then he tells me that he's been talking a lot to his ex. Alright, well they had a relationship for three years so it's understandable. Only thing is.. the reason why they started talking frequently again.. (his lost of attraction to me.. which lead him straight to her) Like now i constantly see her name pop up on his damn iPhone. He thinks i'm being a drama queen.. i probably am but still. At times i get no answer to texts i send him. He just reads them and closes his phone (maybe he does answer and i jsut don't get it.. i doubt it though). But when she sends him one.. he opens it right away and responds as quickly as possible. I know i'm probably thinking way to much into this, or may seem as though i don't trust him which is not the case. I do, it just makes me extremely uncomfortable. He cares for her. He loves her. He'll always be there for her.. whatever. no matter how i feel about it, they'll still talk if not less than more. He'll probably lose his attraction to me once again and this time have her by his side..

i just don't care anymore. Not about my home life nor really about my boyfriend talking to his ex and flirting with other girls right infront of me (kind of disrespectful dont you think?).. i have to prepare to fail a math test.

Tonight's events..

Alright, so today i got home at around 6:15pm. After a long day of school, i thought i'd be able to relax at home.. boy did i think wrong. I get in the house, take my torn up Converse shoes off, pet my dog Zoe and get attitude from my sister. Why you ask, I have no idea. I thought she said my name so when i asked her what was it she wanted she simply looked at me, gave me a look of disgust and said "I'm not talking to you" .. um, hello to you too? Then she continues on saying that my mom is "very mad at you [...] well she told me that she is very mad." ugh; no. That may seem like nothing, but there's more. I go down to my room to put my bag away and i get blamed for losing a remote i haven't touched nor seen in the past what.. like two weeks? So i told my dad that I havent seen it, he's the one who sleep on that couch, probably sleeping ON the remotes at time thus making them dissapear in the couch.. clearly how can that be my fault?
Anyways, negative energy.. makes me feel very uncomfortable. Thank God i had my baby on the line. After watching some tv, i had to eat right. My mom cooks us a wonderful diner (consisted of corn on a cob, souvlaki, and ceasure salade.. yum) no one is at the table besides my little sister who just finished serving herself some salade and myself. I go on to serve myself some salade when my dad comes to the table and tells me "you shouldn't serve yourself while standing up. It's bad manners." to which i told him "alright" .. few second later he said "am i talking to wind or something?" to which i stayed quiet. That is when he got really upset and grumpy. He barely ate, he stayed quiet and excused himself after five minutes at the table. After everything was cleaned up and i went to get the laptop (to start this blog :p ), my mom stops me to tell me that she wants me to apologize to my dad.. ugh, why? Because he's really upset and it's seen as though i was 'defying him' when i didn't sit down to serve myself salade.. are you serious right now? I told her that he (my dad) has yet to apologize for doing what he did to me a couple of weeks ago to which she said "that was in the past. The past is the past. You have to forget about it, just like he did" that is total bullshit.. he doesn't talk to me unless my mom is around (i guess you could say she's the peace keeper, well tries to be at least) or when he wants me to do something that involves cleaning something up. Ever since my mom has uttered the word 'apologize' i have been agaisnt it. Why give an apology that isn't sincere and/or has no importance to you? Sure maybe i have contiplated apologizing but i'm not going to do it.. i did something this time that i did every other time, i served myself food standing up. It's something i've been doing for years.. why say something about it now? Why get upset about something so stupid now?
Ugh.. i have no idea what i'm going to do. What i do know is that i can't wait to get out of here..