unthinkable

I broke up with my baby, my bubbie, my love... my everything.
Why would I do something like that if he's my everything? Well it's simple.. stupidity. Mix in some anger and you get what is the biggest mistake.. the biggest fuckup... anyone could ever do. Ughh, no one, not even him, knows how much I regret calling him to say "You want me to let you be, then fine, it's over!"
Oh God, how I wish I could just rewind life and call him to tell him I'm sorry for attacking him earlier on during the day.. We'd still be together right now, we would've gone biking yesterday, we wouldn't 'just be friends'.. Since that is impossible, I have to show him that I actually can be that girlfriend that he wants and needs. It has only been two days, but in those two days I haven't eaten, barely slept, sucks. If you asked me how I'm doing I'd tell you I'm fine.. but the marks on my legs would let you know otherwise (my bike has cut me God knows how many times and I fell down the stairs today) I've been trying to disguise how much hurt I am in... I miss him, though we talk as friends (I shall explain...) I miss the idea that he is mine, he's my bubbie and I'm his baby. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loves me, that he even loves me, miss talking about our future (we have it all planned out).. I'm fine when I don't think about the fact that we aren't together, because when we talk everything is perfect.. but when I do. oh God, get away from me. I can't stop crying (I actually think that the birth control pills that I just got on is causing the uncontrollable tears since I even cry at tv shows now:s).. I don't know why I keep crying, like I know I love him and I threw what we had away, but afterwards I went back and tried picking it all up again.. pick him back up. But he was holding on to a pole with all his strength, so why do I cry if I tried everything and simply got spat on?
How can I explain this... Alright, monday night we got into an argument. In the morning I attacked him and from there things just got worst. During the evening he told me "leave me, I dare you. Let's see if you have the balls to do it" .. then he told me to just let him be so that's when I lost my shit.. I lost my common sense and broke up with him. But it doesn't feel like I've lost him, you know what I mean? It's a feeling that is very hard to explain. I just feel like he's still mine, that we aren't over. I strongly believe his whole 'i just want to be friends' thing is his cruel way of teaching me a lesson. You know, the lesson where he shows me what it's like to lose someone whom you really love because you took them for granted type thing. I know that I have to show him what type of girlfriend I can be just by being his friend but when we talk it suddenly hits me that he isn't my boyfriend, so he says, I still believe he is... an other reason why I think this is all an evil lesson plan is because when we spoke on the phone last night he said "you're my girlfriend, I wouldn't want to make you feel bad about that" (we were talking about my stinky breath after I had my wisdom teeth pulled out) and when he called me baby, he did apologize for that, said he should of never said it but he said it because he doesn't want to send me mix messages but I know it was a slip up.. i just know it. He has done this to me before, last time he just wanted to be friends and he wanted me to get him Pizza then offered me a bite of it.. Later he tells me it was all a prank and that when he asked me that, he forgot that he was playing a prank on me:p
I know this all sounds so confusing... probably doesn't make any sense since I wrote it in this huge text... So here's a sumary of everything. I broke up with bubbie. Tried to get him to see that it was something done out of anger and didn't mean it but he doesn't believe me (so he says).. he just wants his space and just wants to be friends (so he says) and see how it goes. But I think this is all a plan he has thought up to teach me an evil and cruel lesson. However, even though I have come to this conclusion at night, my body acts stressed out which I don't understand.. He's sending me theses sublinimal messages that he still wants to be with me, but i don't know.. the more this caries out, the more I lose hope that we will get back together.