simple as that.

School has started..
my god, what a semi busy two weeks it has been.. and things have just begun. I'm feeling a lot of mix emotions. Here they all are:

1) Confusion. From school to personal life. I'm scared I no longer know if  I want to go into interior design.. well I do know that that is what i want to do but I fear that I wont want to do that any more come a certain time which confuses me. Personally, there is my relationship with my friends. I don't know if i want to be friends with them anymore.. should i really be questioning the friendships I have with people - two people whom i use to call my best-friends? Now that i know one of them would text people to make sure i was where i said i was because i couldn't hang out with them and the other.. well, i don't know about her. I mean i do, i just can't necessarily say. I just notice things now, how fake she is..
Funny how she has the audacity to come up to me and ask where my boyfriend is as if she thinks i'd tell her after what happened.. HA !

2) Scared. I'm actually terrified. I feel like I'm falling behind on everything. My Bubbie is so ahead, which makes me feel like I'm stuck behind. I have this idea that everything has to be done for a certain date when it actually isn't.. i think i'm giving myself more work than i really should, more than i can handle but yet i can't stop.

3) Stupid. People.. well my family and sometimes my Bubbie, imply or say that i'm not smart. Like they don't believe that i can achieve certain things. My family, well they believe the greatness in the family will be my little sister, so they cater to her needs and put mine on the back burner. Question what i do and why i do it. They baby me.. like for fuck sakes, they don't even want to let me take the ttc this year. I'm fucking 17 years old.. turning 18 in less then six months, i should be able to take the fucking ttc if i fucking want to ! and as for my bubbie.. well i can tell he doesn't think i'm going to do well in math.. he has that tone in his voice; you know, the one of uncertainty? I don't even know; with all these signs coming at me, i'm starting to believe i actually am stupid and that i won't do well in that math class.

4) Anxiety/Excitement. I'm actually really excited but yet anxious for university. Which one shall i go to? I want to go far away to tell you the truth.. not only because my parents will pay for my apartment if i do, but because i want to actually know what it is like to be 'an adult' - live with my Bubbie, in a place we can call OURS. Sure my parents may be the ones writing the rent check every month, but it'd be our home. We'd be able to walk around naked, have sex all day every day, eat, play video games, work together.. everything. Plus it's starting a new life. I don;t want to stay at home when I;m in university.. i've been here for 18 years, i need to be out on my own... i don't know. It's exciting. Every one always says how university/college helps you discover who you are and what an amazing experience it is.. i want to experience it :)

5) Secluded. For some reason i feel secluded from everyone. In math class i see how obnoxious some girls are. In the halls i see how annoying and slow the black/african people are. I am not a racist by any means.. but my God are they ever slow. Like it doesn't occur to them that there are people behind them trying to get ahead of them but they can't move their asses, no. they have to take up all the room in the damn hallway, each friend beside each other. walking as if they needed walkers. ughh. When i'm at school, i just want to be with my Bubbie, in silence working. When I'm at home, I just want to be with my Bubbie, in silence working.

That's it for now. So far I've been staying away from my two friends. I can't really stand them. One of them i really can't stand at all.. she calls herself my best-friend but really, she would've told me what had happened if she was. I should be putting everything behind me and I am doing my best to do so, but right now i just feel so much anger and disguste that it needs to come out.. somehow. Sadly, i cannot say what has happened and how i feel without saying what happened. So maybe i shall vent to my Bubbie. Who knows. All i know is that tomorrow is going to be a nice day full of retail therapy and school work.. yay, fun.
:p